Monday, May 3, 2010

Coed Dressing Rooms in Michigan

I talked to a friend earlier this week who told me that she checked my blog recently and worried that I would go another 2 years without posting. As I am sure that all my readers are losing sleep over this very fear, I just wanted to reassure you that this will not happen.

As for the title of this post, I logged into google analytics for the first time in a few years and found out that one of the top ten searches that people use on google that then link them to my blog is “Coed Dressing Rooms in Michigan”. So let me just say that you sickos ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Shame on you. Shame, shame, shame. Though, in all honesty, some of the other searches were “Matt Dinger Pleather Pants” and “Hot Topic red velvet curtain” so maybe I should really be saying shame on me.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Post-Graduation Plans

The closer and closer I get to real life the more I realize what exactly I want—a wealthy benefactor who will pay for every desire that I have. Hopefully one day I will write a novel that Oprah lays hands on so that I will never have to do anything but write for the rest of my life, but until then I am looking for another source of income. My friend Joey recently made a blog post about how people with advanced degrees in English have no real marketable skills. In short, Joey, I have to disagree. I think there are a lot of skills that make me very marketable as a kept man. So, if you are out there, wealthy and still remain unconvinced, here is a list of reasons that will convince you to support me:

1 – I will do almost anything for money. This of course excludes working 9-5, doing any sort of manual labor, or going outdoors. Other than that, though, I am your man.

2 – I have big time dedication. I am definitely willing to do what it takes to really live a life of leisure. For example, I once watched Legally Blonde 8 times in 7 days.

3 – I have a lot of hobbies that deserve time and attention. I watch a lot of TV. An amount of TV that would shock, intrigue, and disgust you. Sometimes I even disgust myself. I also read a lot and I would like to bind more books. These things take time—time that I don’t have as a working person.

4 – I can be quite charming. I have not paid full price for a book at Borders in years (the female cashiers love me—especially the one who wears too many accessories and is dating a boy 20 years younger than she is; and you thought I was wrong about cougars) I get what I want because people love to love me.

5 – I make a beautiful trophy. The other day a woman in my program talked about walking down the hallway with a tray of freshly baked cinnamon rolls. She said that it made her feel beautiful because everyone was staring at her. I explained to her what it felt like to be one of those beautiful people—the kind of person that people do a double take just to get one more glimpse. I will be the first to admit that it is very, very difficult to live the life of a beautiful person, but I have accepted my fate and I am willing to suffer the excruciating consequences of my lot in life.

6 – Undoubtedly, I am going to end up very successful and wealthy at whatever I decided to do, so you probably won’t have to support me for long

On a related note, I was recently browsing a creepy blog that I read every once in a while. The author mentioned that she was getting a fairly large following and promised her readers that her site would always remain ad free no matter what. Let me take this moment to promise you, dear readers, that I will cash in this blog the first opportunity I get. If they will give me money to allow someone to ring your doorbell and shove an advertisement down your throat as soon as you open the door, I will do it with a song in my heart. This is my way of keeping it real.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

They're After Me Lucky Charms, and I'll Make Them Wish That They Weren't

Early this morning, I was reading blogs in an attempt to try to fall asleep. I came across a blog with a post that is a greenish illustration of a scene from Alice and Wonderland. The author said that she was posting it as to not get digitally pinched. This naturally led me to thinking about how bizarre St. Patrick’s Day really is.

Less early this morning, I was on campus walking down a long staircase and this boy ran down the staircase, pinched a girl, and ran back up. Today, anyone is able to go up to a person and if they are not wearing green they are somehow able to pinch them. There is a name for this type of behavior: assault. Were it May 17th or December 17th everyone watching would have been horrified by this student’s behavior. They may have even faced academic or even legal consequences and rightfully so. When I was in school if someone has been beat up for not wearing a certain color they would have likely been a victim of gang violence. What is wrong with these people?

This being said, I will be eating corned beef and cabbage later tonight because it tastes good. And I am still wearing green today, because I don’t want to get pinched. But if anyone dares pinch me today, you can bet I will be pressing charges. I have a feeling it will be much more satisfying than pinching someone back 10 times. Happy St. Patrick’s Day everybody.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

The Trouble with Dating in the 21st Century

I teach an introductory writing class at the local university. My students tend to love me because I am awesome. Also because I am fairly close to my students’ ages so they tend to relate to me better than some of their other professors. I keep in contact with some of my former students and yesterday my favorite former student called me for some advice.

He has been dating this girl for a month or two and until recently thought that they were dating exclusively. He was set up with this girl through a mutual friend. Apparently the girl is about 6 years older than him (cougars are so hot right now), has an advanced degree, is beautiful, and is generally a very cool person. Sounds perfect right?

Earlier this week the aforementioned mutual friend let slip that he knows how their relationship is going because he reads the girl’s blog. At this point he realized that he had made a huge mistake. He tried to play it off but my former student pushed him and discovered all the gory details.

Here is the point at which real life becomes the plot to a romantic comedy. Girlfriend’s blog has quite a large following and chronicles the details of her romantic escapades with multiple men. All of the details: conversations, attractiveness ratings, likes, dislikes, you name it.

My former student claims that he doesn’t care about the blog or that she is pursuing other men (they never agreed to be exclusive). He asked me to read the blog and let him know if I think he is going to get burned in the end. I am not going to link to the blog on here, in an effort to protect the privacy of the parties involved (read: I don’t want her to find out and him to get pissed at me), but I am curious about what others might think about the whole situation. Feel free to discuss.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Working Hard for the Money

Reasons why I should not be working from home:
  • Tivo
  • Facebook
  • Seven-hundred thread count sheets (and I recently splurged on a 10th pillow--I know you are jealous of my bed, and no, Kamiko did not teach me that, you perverts).
  • TV on DVD
  • Instead of compulsively looking up the weather to prove that spring is coming, I can go outside and see it for myself
  • Blogs
  • Stanley Crouch
  • My farmville farm needs some serious restructuring
  • McSweeney's
  • Following the antics of the cast of Jersey Shore has become almost a full time job for me

Reasons why I should be working from home:
  • See above list

P.S. I'm back.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

I'm a Really Big Nerd

My Christmas present finally came: The Oxford English Dictionary, the compact edition, and it is BEAUTIFUL. 500,000 words and their first documented uses! Chronological changes that the words have undergone! A heavy round magnifying glass that you have to use to even see the words! It is generally 20 volumes but the compact version has 9 pages micrographically reproduced onto each page. Katherine told me that it is one of the sexiest things she has ever seen. I've never really been in love before until this last Saturday when I finally held it in my arms. I know that we will never be apart again.

One of the best things about the whole situation was that in getting the dictionary, I realized that I was a very big nerd, and while I always knew that I was from a family full of nerds, I didn't realize the full extent of that until now. Here is the evidence:

1. When I first asked for the dictionary there was a lot of excitement. My father immediately started looking up information and came across a book about the history of the OED. My mother purchased that as a gift for both me and my father. When my sister found out about it she immediately told me that Rory on the Gilmore Girls once got the dictionary as a gift. One of my friends mentioned to her parents that she might want the OED as a gift and her parents laughed at her.
2. My father held out for about a week until he had to go out and buy his own. He got the shorter edition, however, and while he brags that it came with a CD that gives him easy electronic access, I know that mine is about a million times cooler.
3. After picking up the dictionary at my parents home in West Jordan I planned to go used book shopping in Salt Lake with a friend. As I was about to leave my mother warned "You'd better keep it in the trunk while you are parked. You wouldn't want somebody to break in and steal it." While my mother has been terrified by the possibility of gang violence in Salt Lake, she never once told me that they were out stealing dictionaries. What is the world coming to? Unfortunately, I don't think that the criminal masses comprehend the worth of the dictionary. Too bad for them.

While my family is a bunch of nerds I am glad that I had them. More than once I have had friends tell me that they are jealous of my upbringing. So while the fact remains that there is a whole lot to make fun of, it would be a whole lot worse to live in a family that wouldn't give you an Oxford English Dictionary for Christmas.

Monday, November 12, 2007

I'm a Sucker for Free Stuff

...and this will give me the opportunity to destroy some gender role stereotyping that I hate so much. Besides, my sister-in-law has great taste so I'm sure that whatever I get will be worth the effort of making something for others (and the excruciating fact that I have to post a chain thing).

"......Here's the Pay It Forward Idea:I will send a handmade gift to the first three (3) people who leave a comment on my blog requesting to join this PIF exchange. You may not receive it tomorrow or next week, but you will receive it within 365 days! The only thing you have to do in return is pay it forward by making the same promise on your blog. (so, you must have a blog to participate.) I can't wait to see who I will be giving to. To join, just cut and paste this on your blog and comment away. So get posting......."