Monday, March 29, 2010

Post-Graduation Plans

The closer and closer I get to real life the more I realize what exactly I want—a wealthy benefactor who will pay for every desire that I have. Hopefully one day I will write a novel that Oprah lays hands on so that I will never have to do anything but write for the rest of my life, but until then I am looking for another source of income. My friend Joey recently made a blog post about how people with advanced degrees in English have no real marketable skills. In short, Joey, I have to disagree. I think there are a lot of skills that make me very marketable as a kept man. So, if you are out there, wealthy and still remain unconvinced, here is a list of reasons that will convince you to support me:

1 – I will do almost anything for money. This of course excludes working 9-5, doing any sort of manual labor, or going outdoors. Other than that, though, I am your man.

2 – I have big time dedication. I am definitely willing to do what it takes to really live a life of leisure. For example, I once watched Legally Blonde 8 times in 7 days.

3 – I have a lot of hobbies that deserve time and attention. I watch a lot of TV. An amount of TV that would shock, intrigue, and disgust you. Sometimes I even disgust myself. I also read a lot and I would like to bind more books. These things take time—time that I don’t have as a working person.

4 – I can be quite charming. I have not paid full price for a book at Borders in years (the female cashiers love me—especially the one who wears too many accessories and is dating a boy 20 years younger than she is; and you thought I was wrong about cougars) I get what I want because people love to love me.

5 – I make a beautiful trophy. The other day a woman in my program talked about walking down the hallway with a tray of freshly baked cinnamon rolls. She said that it made her feel beautiful because everyone was staring at her. I explained to her what it felt like to be one of those beautiful people—the kind of person that people do a double take just to get one more glimpse. I will be the first to admit that it is very, very difficult to live the life of a beautiful person, but I have accepted my fate and I am willing to suffer the excruciating consequences of my lot in life.

6 – Undoubtedly, I am going to end up very successful and wealthy at whatever I decided to do, so you probably won’t have to support me for long

On a related note, I was recently browsing a creepy blog that I read every once in a while. The author mentioned that she was getting a fairly large following and promised her readers that her site would always remain ad free no matter what. Let me take this moment to promise you, dear readers, that I will cash in this blog the first opportunity I get. If they will give me money to allow someone to ring your doorbell and shove an advertisement down your throat as soon as you open the door, I will do it with a song in my heart. This is my way of keeping it real.


Amanda said...

Next time I'm in Utah, you and I are making a stop at Borders together. I need to witness this skill of yours--and learn from it.

mom said...

OH, Brother!!!

Heather said...

As long as I am still the one who will be your philanthropist I support your decision in whatever you do, except the shady idea you had the other day-you know the one I'm talking about.

SD and EJ said...

I love that you're the only person I know who loves yourself more than I love myself.

What is the creepy blog you read sometimes?

Yanira said...